do you think...

Nine months is too long to wait between posts? Um, I think not! (Except, I'm lying, but I just didn't know what to say.)

It's late in the p.m. right now. (Really only like 9:30) I should be sleeping. Church is tomorrow, but I don't feel like going. Bold statement, I know, but I just don't. Sometimes, it's just hard for me to go. Ben reminds me that when things are hard it's probably because they are important. Ben is wise.

The thing about blogging when I'm tired is that I tend to be very transparent, and vulnerable, and real. And it scares me. So why am I blogging, you ask? I don't really know. I must have something to say. I know I have something to say, but I don't know how to say it and even if I did, (which I do.) I'm too afraid.

Does this happen to anyone else? You don't have to say yes if you don't want to. I don't say yes if I don't want to. (Except I do.)

Anyway, I just want to say that I've been learning a lot. I'm learning that I hate a lot of things.

Things I hate: (Don't worry I'm not going to gripe the whole time. This is just part of the journey.)

- I hate trying to decide what I might where to church on Sunday mornings. It's a huge stressful task due to the fact that I have ONE pair of jeans. X that. I have more that one pair of jeans, but only one pair that fits the way I like and three pairs that need to be hemmed.
- I hate having one pair of jeans.
- I hate that my clothes and deciding what to wear brings out all the insecurities I had from childhood.
- I hate my insecurities and my anxiety with a passion but more than that I hate that I let them control me. One day I will be brave enough to tell them that I hate them so much, but not today. Soon.
- I hate that I can't speak when I need to, but speak more than I need to when I shouldn't.....
- I hate that it takes months for me to get around to blogging again because I had such anxiety about being behind. Well, guess what? I'm blogging so eat that, anxiety. Ps. I really hate you.
- I hate that I'm often unsatisfied and jealous and then resentful and angry.
- I hate that I'm not perfect or the best and that I'm always trying to "out do" myself and others around me.
- I hate growing up.
- I hate that I'm sharing all of this.....

I don't want you to think I'm unhappy. Well, it's okay if you do, but I'm really not unhappy. I'm just thinking right now and pondering and wondering.

I'm wondering what I would be like if I worked on all of the things I hate. And learned to love myself anyway. I'm not at all a professional at loving myself and giving myself encouragement, but what if I was?

I'm learning that it's okay to be me even if I'm not always okay with me. I'm learning that it's okay to grow up because no matter how old I am I will always be God's little child, and that's exactly what He wants and just so happens to be what I want. I want to be a kid.

I love being married. I feel like having a husband is like having a great secret. One that is only mine and mine forever, one that I never have to share or give away and one that will always be the best with highest of standards that no other secrets can compare to. I love my husband.

These past seven and half months have been my favorites months of my life. And they have been the most inspiring and educating. I love that I have learned so much about Ben and so, so much about myself. And I love that I will never stop learning. I never want to.

This new chapter in my life is all about learning and love. Yes, I'm learning that I hate a lot of things, more importantly I'm learning how to love me.

The End.