Thursday, December 18, 2008

my christmas story

Christmas is just days away.

I always count down the days until Christmas, but not for the same reasons as those who love counting down because it means they get to take one more piece of candy from the calendar or because I'm so excited about it I need to know exactly how many days are left. I count down because I'm so over it. By the time Christmas actually gets here I wish there were no Christmas at all.

It has been said by many people that I am The Grinch. It used to bother me that I would be labeled this. My response would be, "Just because I'm not drooling over everything red and green and singing Christmas carols at the top of my lungs, and because I don't love snow, and I hate Santa Clause does NOT mean that I am The Grinch. I don't try to take Christmas away from anyone and haven't stopped anyone or told anyone that they can't have Christmas, so just leave me alone and mind your own business okay?!" Yes, these words I have spoken many times. I think what made me upset the most was that I knew they were right. I am a grinch. I do steal Christmas from everyone around me. I take their joy and chew up with my bitterness towards this stupid holiday and I spit it right at them. I take Christmas from people who truly love it.

Sadly, I had not made this discovery in its entirety until just recently and this can explain my lack of blogging. I have been thinking about so much lately and haven't been really sure how to interpret my thoughts.

Since I've started going through Celebrate Recovery I have really learned how to examine situations and examine my heart to learn what is really bothering me. I can tell you that it's never on the surface. It's always that little splinter buried deep in my heart that over time has turned into something huge because rather than letting God take it from me, I have decided that "this one's mine" and I can take care of it myself. Except, I can never take care of anything myself... and nothing is ever "mine"...

With that said, I've really been spending a lot time exploring my heart and my emotions and truly identifying the real reason I hate Christmas. I feel like it sounds so stupid but I'm going to tell you anyway because who cares about stupidity?

Growing up, my parents always, always, always made sure we had the best Christmas mornings we could possibly have. I didn't know it at the time because I was so young, but this was so challenging for them. It's not easy when there are five children who are so excited about what they might get. Somehow, they always got it right. We were always so happy and thankful. Looking back now I feel an enormous amount of guilt because my parents were constantly giving up so much of what they needed to make sure we were happy. Maybe guilt is not the right word... I think gratitude is more appropriate.

Something else that was so huge in our family during Christmas was the big guy himself, Santa. I hate Santa now, but when I was younger I was always in such awe on Christmas morning. How did he just know I wanted all of these great things? And how did he manage to fit inside our chimney with out being burned? I was always full of so many questions and my parents always had the right answer. Santa was so magical.

Most children, girls especially, love all things magical. We love to believe that somehow we are a secret princess hiding out away from evil and one day that prince of ours will snatch us up and keep us safe. Anything pretend is always so real. We love to play dress up, spin in dresses, and use our imagination to travel the world.

I was a very imaginative little girl who loved to believe in the extraordinary. One day I would be a beautiful ballerina dancing my way to fame, the next I was a pirate trying to defend my ship and my honor, and some days I was just me. I would spend the whole day trying to plan my next adventure. I always believed it would be real someday. So, naturally Santa Clause just fell into place. He was magic. And I always loved a good mystery.

That was until I learned he wasn't real..... This really sounds so stupid, but I cried so much. Not because I was really all that sad, but because I was really angry. I hated my parents that day, but most of all I hated myself for believing in something so stupid. I was nine and so embarrassed that I let myself get caught up in something so pretend. I cried more when I realized that not only was Santa a fake, but so was The Tooth Fairy and The Easter Bunny. Everything that was magical and wonderful was suddenly taken away from me.... My childhood was taken away from me....

After that, Christmas wasn't the same. There was no magic anymore. I started to dislike Christmas when I was only nine years old. And since I hated Christmas when I was nine, why should I like it when I was ten? Or eleven? And now, twenty two?

Don't get me wrong, I love to buy and give gifts to others, but I just don't think Christmas is very fun. Over the years I've developed a million reasons why I don't like this holiday. I think the shopping hype is ridiculous, I hate the stress that goes along with it, figuring out whose family to spend time with first and deciding if I'm being spread equally is always a challenge, and these are only a few. But all of these things are so frustrating to me. I struggle every year, and if it were up to me I'd spend Christmas alone.

In many ways, I am alone on Christmas. I am not attached to tradition, I don't show a lot of emotion, so it's always hard for me to have love this day like everyone else around me. I don't always try to be so distant; often it just happens because I was distant in the first place, but then there are times that I know I'm far away and generally I stay there, but I'm not sure why...

This Christmas season has been especially challenging for me. This is my last Christmas at home and unfortunately I feel I still might be the same bitter girl I was last year. I've been trying hard not to be so angry and hate everything but it truly is all I know.

God has been really speaking to me these past weeks, and I have felt so strongly that He has been begging me to allow Him to change my ways so I decided that maybe I should try doing something "Christmas-y." I rummaged through my bin of craft supplies and found some things I liked. I decided to make matching ornaments for myself and my family. I don't really like them; they're cute and everything, but they're just ornaments. I did, however, enjoy making them. I felt nice to just sit alone and reflect on my emotions about this holiday.

I've come to the conclusion that it's okay if I don't love this time of year, but I shouldn't be so greedy to take it away from those who truly love it. I feel that, even though it may not be obvious, I have grown a lot during this Christmas season and I know that there is so much more room for continual growth.

I've also decided I want to let go of all of this pain and bitterness that I have been carrying all these years and I want to let God move through my heart and heal my hurt. I've decided that this one in not mine anymore; I'd like to give it to God and that, my friends, will be the gift I give myself.

Monday, December 15, 2008

where in the world is carmen san diego?

Hi....

It's been so long since I have done any kind of blogging and now that I'm here I still don't feel up to it. It's weird. I've just felt really tired these days and I feel like I can't think and when I do, I think of everything so... I'm avoiding my brain right now!

Anyway, I'm still here amongst the living. Maybe when my brain thaws I will get back here and tell you all about my exciting (or not so) adventures!

I do have a piece of great news! My Best Friend will be home in just two days! This is very exciting to me. My heart has really missed her heart the past few months. It will be really great to spend some time with her!

Okay, Bye!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

maurices sidekick

So... today I hated my tank top. It just wasn't the one that I really wanted. I was getting ready in a hurry and somehow grabbed one that I'm not friends with. We don't even get along. I didn't even realize it until I got to work and when I looked in the mirror I literally said, "Ugh, I don't like you!" My co- workers thought I was saying it to myself so I had some explaining to do.

Normally when I don't like my clothes I just deal with it and move on with my day, but there are some days when I have to do something about it! Today was one of those days. I decided that I was going to run down to Maurices really quick and find a different shirt. I knew which one I wanted and it worked out perfectly that they were buy one get one half off! So, I bought a green one and a teal one. These will be good friends of mine. : )

While I was there the girl working asked my opinion on a shirt for this lady that was trying to find something to wear to a really fancy party tonight. She said, "Hey, Brittany what do you think of this? She's going to a party tonight and everyone going is a millionaire!" I laughed and said, "I like it! We can totally make you look rich!"

While I was paying she was trying on her shirt and decided that she didn't like it. I saw a really cute one hanging on the back wall and for some reason I felt like it was my responsibility to help this lady look hot! So, I just helped myself to getting it down and said, "Hey what about this one? It will look really good on you!" It was a silky wrap top with a sparkly band around the waste." She said she liked but wasn't sure if it would look okay on her and was concerned that it was cut too low. So, I said, "If you want I can find a cute tank top to go underneath. It will add color and keep you covered. It looks really good to layer!" I found a pretty blue lacy tank and gave it to her to try on. All the while, the girl working was saying,"Brittany you're so nice!" I wasn't looking for praise; I was just having fun. Then the lady said,"OH! Are you helping me on your day off? Or are you just on break?!" I laughed, "I don't even work here!" She laughed at me and was full of thank yous.

She tried the two tops on and looked great, but was still a little unsure. By this time I had to go back to work. I laughed at myself on the way. It is so like me to do something like that! I later learned that she bought both tops and found some great accessories to go along with it! I'm sure she was looking like a million bucks!

Friday, December 5, 2008

snack-o-rama!

The other day Jolene (my co-worker) and I really wanted some chips but we just couldn't decide so this is what happened:

Don't worry! We shared with other people. It was a fun snack, but everyone was laughing at us! That's okay because it was yummy! : )

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

scattered brain

Well, hello everyone! (All three of you who read this.) Long time, no type! I feel like I've been a little busy bee these days and I have fifty things I want to talk about! Hopefully I will get to them all. (This may take awhile.) If I don't it will just give me another reason to get on here and chat.

Speaking of... I always do this. I say to myself, it's okay if I don't get to everything! I'll just come back later and talk about it then. Except I think I'm just kidding about that because I never really do. By the time I come back I have another seventy thoughts racing through my head. You see, I sort of have an attention problem and have this love-hate thing with my brain!

Moving on! I suppose I should share my topics in chronological order and the only reason I remember what came first is because I have pictures! Lol.

Well, Thanksgiving was fun! I spent the day with Benjamin and my future in laws! For dinner it was just the two of us, his parentals, his grandma, and Tyler. The rest of the clan came over a little later. The food was great and I was very proud of myself for trying everything! I love to get stuck in a routine where I only eat the same foods, but not this day! Sherri did a great job making some yummy salads, but the potatoes were my favorite! (P.s. I love mashed potatoes. Sometimes when no one is listening I call them smashed potatoes. I think it sounds more fun!)

After we ate James and I went over to Kyle and Rhianna's to watch the last half of the football game with them. That was fun and Mayah was being a cutie like always! You can check out Rhianna's blog for some good pictures!

When all of the kids got back to house we enjoyed some good pie and played a fun game! Has anyone ever heard of Hoopla? It's a cranium game and it really is so much fun! I suggest buying it if you ever come across it. I found it at Barnes and Noble, but I'm sure you can get it online.

That about sums up my first Thanksgiving! The next day we enjoyed another feast at my house. Ben and I both had to work so it wasn't quite as relaxing as the day before, but the food was great! He actually didn't get off work until after we had eaten, but he didn't mind. There was plenty left!

I came home to a house full! When I walked in I saw the cutest trail of floured footprints everywhere! Ellie was baking, and it was obvious! : ) Here she is, the little flour covered chef herself!

If you recall, the last time I showed pictures of her baking she had this super serious look on her face. She was doing it again this time while she was making a pie crust! She is so cute and I just know that she thinks she was meant to do this and it is her job to make it perfect. : ) And you know what? I think it is! ; )


Here is picture of her cherry pie before the top crust went on. Let me tell you, she was so proud of herself for making this pie, and it tasted great! I love to see the delight in her face when she knows she did well. : )


While the Baking Bonanza was going on, I'll show what everyone else was up to!

Aunt Saysa (Teresa) and Ainsley were enjoying some crackers in the living room, and here are my brothers hanging out in the computer room playing guitar hero. Paul is on the left and Randy is the one glaring at me for taking his picture!

Dinner was ready so we all enjoyed turkey, smashed potatoes, rolls, various salads, and stuffing. My mom and my sisters did the cooking, and it was yummy! : )


There were thirteen of us total and surprisingly our table just can't seat that many! Lol. So, we end up scattering through the house to enjoy our food! This year, I wanted to sit at the table with my mom, and sisters and the girls. For some reason we were missing a chair and I really didn't feel like hunting it down so I grabbed on of the chairs from the kid table. : )



Haha, it worked just fine! I had place to sit and I was closer to my food! It doesn't get any better than that! : )

After dinner on Thanksgiving there is normally not a whole lot going on. Everyone else is tired and ready for a nap, but I'm always the first to want pie! It was great by the way. My mom makes the best pumpkin pie!

I think that's all for Thanksgiving number two. Now I will move on to Thanksgiving number three......

Just kidding!

I am moving on to Sunday! I told you this may take awhile. Are you ready of another adventure? : )

On Sunday, we decided we were going to go to Olympia. We love Olympia and we find ourselves there quite often, especially now since we are planning a wedding. ; ) It seems like we always have to best conversations on the way home. I love it!

Since I was planning on blogging about our day I had to, of course, take pictures on the way there! : )


Chase and Becca were also going to Olympia that day so we decided to meet up with them at Red Robin for lunch, and it just so happened that the night before Ben got Red Robin gift card so it was perfect. : )

We had just enough on our gift card to cover our lunch and leave a small tip! I wanted to leave a little more but didn't have any small dollars so I rummaged through my wallet and found some coins to add to it! We always try to leave at least fifteen percent so I was happy when my coins were just enough!

Lunch was fun and we all were very full. It was nice to spend time with Becca and Chase! It's something we have been trying to do more often, and I like it! ; )

After lunch we headed to Costco! Where I found something lovely. : ) I have been saving up my tip dollars since summer so that by the end of the year it would equal five hundred dollars. I refer to it as my five hundred dollar fund! When I started saving I didn't know what I was saving for; I just knew that I wanted five hundred dollars to spend on something great for our house someday!

I have had my heart set on a memory foam mattress for as long as I can remember and eventually I set my heart on buying one with my five hundred dollar fund! But no more than that! Now, when I decided something there is no changing my mind so if I think that I will find a memory foam mattress for only five hundred dollars then there is nothing that can convince me to spend more!

And guess what?! Costco just happened to have a queen size memory foam mattress for none other than five hundred dollars! I know five hundred sounds like a lot, but for a memory foam mattress it's really cheap! And technically, since I used my tip dollars, my clients paid for it. : )

So, here it is! My long gone five hundred dollar fund!!


Doesn't it just look so compfy?! : ) Before we bought it I kept telling Ben, "Don't worry, it will fit in the car! It has to fit! We'll be fine!" That was until we got it outside and I realize just how small the backseat of the car was! Lol. Instead of worrying I decided to keep saying it will fit and also take pictures! : )

The picture is sort of dark, but he's just pretending to be annoyed! And even he really was annoyed I would still post the picture because it's all for the sake of my blog!


It took a couple minutes to assess the situation. All the while I'm still taking pictures and laughing and telling weary on lookers, "No worries! It will fit!"


At this point I decided that if I really wanted the darn thing to fit in the car I should probably help him! A few sore shoulders and a smashed thumb later we got it in the car, and I couldn't have been happier! You know why? Because I was responsible and saved up all my dollars and bought this all by my self!!! : ) And because the realization of getting married is starting to sink in more and more each day and I love knowing that I am going to spend the rest of my life with Ben!

I think that might be everything for now. Except I still have things to say, but my brain is scattered and my thoughts are splattered!!!

Ciao!