pretty earrings

Some days, as of late, I feel like wearing pretty earrings. I haven't worn them in years, not the pretty ones at least. For some reason I thought they meant I was "girly," and if you know me, "girly" is the last thing on Earth I would like to be titled. So... for a very long time, I didn't wear them.

In fact, rather than wearing pretty earrings, I decided that I was going to gauge my ear lobes. Not a lot; just a little, mostly so that I could announce they were gauged and to further avoid wearing pretty earrings... especially when they were given to me as gifts. Along with the gauged lobes I sport five piercings in my left ear, and four in my right, but it really is kind of cute.

For as long as I can remember I have tried my absolute hardest to avoid being a woman. Now, I know that I am a woman and I can't avoid that, but there is a huge difference between being a woman, and being a woman.

Actually, for most of my life I have truly hated the word woman. It has always made me feel uncomfortable and sick to my stomach. The first time it was used involving me was when I was ten and starting to grow up and my mom said, "You are growing into a woman." Maybe some girls are happy about this, but I wasn't. I was really angry at my mom for saying that and I actually cried and said, "But Mom, I don't want to be a woman!" Being a woman to me meant that I had to grow up, and honestly, I hated the idea of growing up too which deepened my hatred even more against the word and to some women.

For those of you who have been around me and know me, or maybe you don't really know me, but have observed me, you could most likely agree that I am not, nor have I ever been, dressy. I do wear make up, but I hate looking pretty. I hate it. I hate it because it gets me noticed, and I don't like the attention. The attention means that I am attractive, and I don't want to be attractive because that equals being a woman. So, I don't often dress up.

Through all my teen years and even into my early adult hood I have wanted nothing more than to be invisible. Yes, invisible. God, on the other hand, has had something else in mind. During the years that I was trying the most to disappear and be nothing He allowed Ben to see me. Me. Me, just as I am. All I wanted was to vanish, and all he wanted was to chase me. I have said, and always will say, that it was only by God's miracle that Ben saw me...

Why, do you ask, am I sharing so much of my broken heart? Honestly, I don't know! I don't know because this NOT something I do. I do not share who I am, and do not like it when I do. But, I feel like God has asked me to, and I have decided to listen to God for a change.....

So, why I am I telling you all of this? Why am I allowing myself to be so vulnerable? Well, it's because something inside of me is changing... God is teaching me that it is okay to be a woman. It is okay to be pretty and attractive and to like being that way. He made me to be a woman.

After Ben asked me to marry him it was almost an instant change in me. Suddenly, I wanted to dress up and be pretty, and I have even joked, "Well, now that I am getting married I feel like I have to be pretty!" or "It's time for me to grow up now, I'm going to be a wife!" Although, I am being silly when I say those things, my heart is so serious! I want to grow up. I want to be a beautiful woman. I want to do anything I possibly can to be a good wife, and I want to tell people!

During, this journey into woman hood God is also teaching me and asking me not to hide Him anymore. "Don't keep me a secret," He says," Don't keep me small," and "Don't be afraid of who you are." So, for the first time in my entire life I can that I am okay with being a woman...

I am okay with dressing up, being noticed, and feeling pretty. It's not always easy, and I'm not always confident, but God is also teaching my that I do NOT have to claim my insecurity. It is only my battle, not my label.

So, the next time you see me please smile and celebrate with me as I have finally decided to grow up. Look out world, there is a beautiful woman coming right at you! You'll know who she is when you see her pretty earrings! : )